This is what I remember from a recent conversation that I had with my mentor that started out about leadership but ended up on love. She walks with me toward the person I want to be, whoever that is.
“So Nichole, what’s the takeaway for you? What are you learning or thinking about?”
“Ughhhhhhhh. Okay, I’ve already rolled my eyes at myself for thinking this, so you won’t offend me if you roll your eyes in response...I’m learning and thinking about how it really is all about love.
It makes me want to throw up a little bit, and what does that say about how I’ve been acculturated to this professional life to feel disgusted by love existing in it???”
“Tell me more. I know you have more to say...”
“Well, I’m thinking about love, obviously, and that it is treated as something that is only available in certain contexts, amongst certain people. I’m thinking about language and the ways we use it to inform our perspectives and to display our perspectives. Sometimes the definitions that we use for words are great when they are precise, but there is a lot more left to the imagination when those definitions are vague. And maybe it isn't that the words have to be precise or vague, but they actually need more expansive definitions. We can't be afraid to use "love" in contexts that it hasn't previously belonged.
“What do you mean?”
“Love is not a limited resource that is only available for some people or for people who can provide it in return or in exchange for something. And I know what you’re thinking, 'Here she goes again talking about capitalist framework and transactional behaviors and…' but I really think that love is precious, yet not so precious that it should be hoarded and allocated in the ways that we allocate it. I guess clichés are clichés for a reason, right? ‘It’s all about love’ and all that is annoying for us to hear, almost boring, because it sounds so easy but the practice is so damn hard.”
“And then what does that mean for you in your positional power and leadership?”
“Well, I have to think about what I desire as my defining trait. And I used to really want to be seen as someone who is smart (because my mom once told me that the least interesting thing about me should be that I’m pretty—this is not claiming that I am; it was said to make me less vain) but now I think I want to be known as someone who loves people well, as a friend, as a community member, as a leader, as a stranger, and as a homie.
And that love requires an intent listening, to others and myself.
I have to surrender to what I don’t know and be patient enough to search for, and even build, the bridges that are going to allow me to connect to people who I might assume I cannot connect to.
The listening requires a not knowing. Or, a pressure not to know immediately. We rush to have to say, to respond, ALL THE TIME. And I sound upset about it because I know I'm guilty of it, too. We're so used to having to fill spaces with words that I know it is off-putting to the people who I talk with when I don't fill the space. Sometimes I have to just let the words blur into my understanding of who the person is before I say anything to try to prove who I am. I just want a moment to revel in curiosity and the unknown, unanalyzed. Allowing more moments like that, resisting the impulse to fill, might let me see and learn how to love a person well. How to serve them..."
"You look like you have more to say..." (sidenote: damn, she's good.)
"I hope that I have not loved everyone I could possibly love.
...
And I never, ever want to numb the part of me that is open and eager to love people well.
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Because that would betray all those who taught me to love. I have to nourish what they started.
...
I don’t have to completely and immediately understand what someone is offering me when they do. I just have to have some gratitude for and an open mind about it being offered in the first place.
...
I try not to let fear rule my life, but one of the biggest fears that I have is that I’ll one day lose the capacity to love. And the fear isn't that it will happen in one day. The fear is that bit by bit, I might let my hope diminish until there is no capacity to love anymore. And if I don't pay attention to and think about it all the fucking time, then I worry that it will sneak up on and kidnap my soul. If I fight against anything, it has to be that."
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